Roman Showers Make Me Want To Puke

Hi folks*,

Since my last post the weekend has happened.....I was kind of responsible with my new cash. Well, responsible in the sense that a 16 year old kid is responsible when driving his parents car. I only managed to blow through $400 of the check from my new car loan. But don't worry, it went to multiple good causes and furthering my general knowledge.

1. Paid back a friend that took me out boozing when I didn't have any cash

2. Helped buy clothes for a 3 year old little girl

3. Learned about the history of a foreign culture and it's impact on society today

How and where did I manage to accomplish all of this on a mere $400?

Where else of course: The Titty Bar. I know I hoped to not spend it on strippers but in this case it wasn't just for them. I'll explain.

#1 When I took my friend to the strip club to pay him back for the cash he spotted me before, it really wasn't an option. Always pay your friends back first. And if you know my friend, that IS the best place on earth (next to chartering a private jet to a Columbian beauty pageant) to go. Of course he manages to find the youngest(18 at best), most innocent, and wholesome looking dancer to patronize (both meanings of the word). Life was good.

#2 Before I even got my first beer at the club a friendly semi-naked customer service representative sat down beside me. After explaining that she was too young for me to buy her an alcoholic beverage (20) she opted for a red bull. It must have been all of the caffeine in the Red Bull that made her open up to me like I was Barbara Walters. I'll tell you exactly what she said:

Blah Blah Blah I'm only 20 Blah blah 3 year old girl needs clothes blah I'm horny blah your cute blah blah blah $25 private dance.

I assumed the 3 year old she mentioned was her kid and not part of a "60 Minutes" sting operation so I agreed to a dance. I could tell she was happy to have the money so early in the evening and the other way around I'm sure. Life was good.

#3 Later in the night after crumpling countless dollar bills into little balls and thowing them at the dancers (trying to make baskets in their thongs or just hit them in the face) I got into a strange conversation. I've no clue what started it or brought it about but let me tell you what I remember:

Out of Focus Cute Stripper: "....like a Roman Shower?"

Me "That sounds kind of familiar what is that?"

Out of Focus Cute Stripper "It's when someone pukes on you during sex."

Me "hahahahaha. I love you. (out loud to friend 2 stools away)Dude you've got to hear this!"

Ahhh learning! Life is good.

This sums up the good times had over the weekend pretty much. On Monday I used some of the money to pay off one of my credit cards and the rest (after paying some bills and overdue taxes I'll throw on the smalles balance credit card which will almost pay that one off. Finally!!!

*by this I mean JD

Being a better person. WTF does that mean?

That's a pretty tough question. But above are some of the tools I'll be using to construct a better me. For more info on that subject just ask me or your closest Grand Lodge of Free and Accecpted Masons.

Debt Dealer

So far I've told everyone about my goals. I've a few obstacles as well. #1 being a shit load of debt. Let me draw this one out.

Last week I called Capital One about the 6.something % personal loans they offered on thier website. I wanted to consolidate my credit card debt into one lower interest loan. Apparently they update thier site as much as I update my blog becuase when I called the Indian (slurpy not casino) guy on the other end informed me that they are no longer making new loans given the current economy. Fuck! No dice.

So lately I've been a broke motha'. Usually I have to choose between eating or going out with friends. Living like this blows so I wanted to free up some cash so I can stop being a Dollar Menunaire. The only option I could think of was to refinance my car loan balance by adding another year to the payoff date. This turned out to be a good f'n idea. Here's why:

Car loan: $20,000 at $475/month

Car Value: $26,000

New Car Loan: $26000 at $509/month

I realize that I wanted to reduce my loan payments but.....

Cash Money Check From Bank Yo: $6000

This gets put on my Credit Card Debt effectively transferring 6K of Credit Debt at 9.9% to secured debt at 4.9% and reducing my minumum monthly payment on the cards.

Now of course I can't sell my car but it's fucking nice and I don't want to anyway. The only thing I can see going wrong is if I wreck my car. I hope this works! Now all I have to do is keep from spending all that dough on strippers and other awesome things before I get it in the bank.

Wish me luck.

P.S. I'm a fuckup

Apparently I should have added "Keep up with my blog" to my list of goals. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a slacker. So it's no surprise I've been slacking on keeping up with posts. In the last week since the last post I've had a few things happen.


I was supposed to go to West Virginia to go camping with a large group of friends for the 4th of July. I went to the pre-trip picnic with these friends on Friday and managed to get so bombed that I missed the caravan in the morning. I woke up on my living room floor David Hasslehoff style with a half eaten kraut dog spilled all over my face and rug.

After making a few frantic calls I realized through the hangover haze that I was not going to go to West Virginia. However I did recall a message on my cell from my mother the night before that said my younger brother would be in town for "some anime event" and I should try and meet up with him. Which brings me to the next noteworthy topic:

Anthrocon and the FURRIES!

I know what your thinking. Awesome*! People dressed as animals and having freaky sex and pooping in litterboxes and floors. That's what I thought and is the reason why I was so excited to get in on the action. Minus the animal costumes and pooping. Well ok, I don't care about that either as long as I stay shit free in the process. But the hard truth is your imagination is probably highly overstating the sexual desire you're going to have once you see them.

The average person was about 18-21 (insert chicken hawk noise here). But I couldn't help but notice that most seemed to slump and look at the floor while walking around. Not because they are impersonating some type of ground feeding animal but because of years of torment for being unathletic or ugly in high school. The idea of not being a human anymore started to make sense.

I'm tired of typing about this but I think you can get the picture of the atmospehere. Oh! and there is tons of half animal/half human gay porn if that's your thing.

After the convention I went to another picnic and...(Please see above for results).

*If you're not thinking Awesome! we will have very little in common.

GOALS

I have a few things that I'm interested in*. I'll list them in order of difficulty from hardest to easiest to achieve.

1.) Being a better person

2.) Buying/Building a house

3.) Starting a small farm

4.) Learning the violin

5.) Making sure every porn site on the Internet works (just in case)

I realize my idea of which item is more difficult to achieve might change as I progress toward them. Also, people might argue with me about the order because of their perceptions but these people are douche bags.

I'll deal with giving the details of each item in separate posts because there's a cluster fuck of shit surrounding each one. Classy description I know.

* Besides making sure that every porn site on the Internet is in working order

The Begining

Hi!

This is me (sexy man in the picture to the left). I'm 29 and have no fucking clue what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'll be your occasionally humble narrator for the rest of the blog so we should get acquainted.

I'll skip over the usual boring bio shit and try to keep the facts relevant to what's going on. I'm from a rural area in central Pennsylvania. I think a timeline should suffice from there.

I have a decent job, no kids, never been married, and $83K of debt. I think that should cover the basics.

Lately I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life.